if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
