dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You pole danced in your parka.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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