I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I want her autograph on my taint
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
