i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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