people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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