I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
