I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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