and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
