it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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