I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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