I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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