just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If I die, sorry about rent.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
