Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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