New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
