Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
