if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
