You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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