If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
