god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
