I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
