Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
