i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
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