You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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