Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
