Reggie can tackle my bush.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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