At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
