Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
