Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
