Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
