I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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