I just saw a hot homeless man
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
