On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
