apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
