Pants 0. Shit 1.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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