just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I think my moral compass just broke
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