Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
