Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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