well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize