Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
