my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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