It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
