After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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