Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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