the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
