he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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