It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
