Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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