well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
