Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize