my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
