My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
