Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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