just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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