when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
