I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
