oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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