Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You can't motorboat a personality
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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